Get Anyone to Do Anything Page 7
For example, let’s say you’ve asked someone to work on some files for you over the next two weeks. Don’t say, “How are they coming?” or “Shouldn’t you have started by now?” This only provides an opportunity for either an excuse or a chance for her to back out. Instead say, “You know, Sally, I appreciate your helping me with those files. I respect the fact that you’re the kind of person who not only offers to help but follows through until she gets the job done.” With these words you’ve wrapped this person’s self-concept into a single cause. How you see her is woven into her behavior toward this project. You can be sure she will comply and continue working on it so that your image of her is not tarnished. This makes it nearly impossible for her to say, “I’m too busy or I don’t feel like doing it.” Because not only would she risk your questioning who she is but this would leave her wondering as well. Simply, she fancies seeing herself as someone who “follows through on things...and can be counted on,” etc. If she abandons this project, then she has to ask herself, “What kind of person am I?” This is something very few people are willing or able to do.
Another version of this tactic—which can also be used in conjunction with the first one—is to invoke a generic value identity. For instance, you can incorporate themes such as friendship, commitment to work, a sense of decency—all qualities that most people aspire to identify with. A question like, “Isn’t it amazing how some people don’t know the definition of the word friendship?” is so powerful. With this one statement you bring her value system—what is important to her—into the task. Now this is not an isolated job, but something that actually defines your friendship. She’s risking more than just annoying you by bailing out; she’s risking the relationship. Instead of this just being an isolated project, you’re able to bring your entire friendship and the power that it has into this one task.
These psychology-laden phrases will help keep her moving along, but when you want someone to follow through, it’s crucial to lay the groundwork when you first ask for the favor. Take a look at the following study and then we’ll discuss it.
Angela Lipsitz and others (1989) report that ending blood-drive reminder calls with, “We’ll count on seeing you then, okay?” and then pausing for response increased the show-up rate from 62 to 81 percent. Just this one phrase increased the rate by about 20 percent. When you initially ask for the favor, make sure that you give a quick verbal confirmation. This dramatically increases the level of internal consistency as you solidify your chances of getting someone to follow through.
Keep in mind that the act of volunteering makes it more likely that a person will follow through. If a certain task was thrust upon someone, you’re going to risk an internal justification—where the thinking might be, “If I don’t follow through, he’ll be mad. I will feel guilty or suffer some form of retribution.” This can hinder his enthusiasm for completing the task if he’s able to resolve this internal conflict. In other words, he’s not doing it because he’s a great guy who follows through, but rather because he has to. To override this thinking (when you think it may be a problem), you just need to include the phrase, “I know you could have gotten out of it if you wanted to.”
This is because when we volunteer, cognitive dissonance is reduced with the continuing thought that “I must really want to be doing this.” The only other rationale is, “I’m an idiot and I never should have agreed to this.” Most people’s psyches are more comfortable with the first rationalization. This is why we often see people doing things that seem completely absurd or out of character for them.
But wait, there’s more! When you initially ask a person for the favor, follow this five-phase process to solidify his intent to help.
You tell a friend, for example, that you’re having problems with your computer and he cheerfully offers to try to come by next Saturday. Now, he just might be saying this to be nice or because he actually intends to try to come by. But you really need his help, and to make sure you get it, you want to move him internally and turn a casual offer into a firm commitment. You’ll see that by applying a specific psychological sequence, you can take a vague offer and turn it into a specific, firm commitment.
Five-Step Process
1. Get him to say it: When you say it, it’s one thing, but when he says it, it takes his commitment to a whole new level. You want him to say the words. Therefore, you say, “Do you really mean that?” or “Are you serious?” He will most likely respond with, “Yes, I’ll help you on Saturday.”
2. Get a specific time frame: You want him to commit to a time in which he will help you and/or to a time frame of how long it will take for him to complete his task. In this example, you would say, “Great, what time?” and “Any idea of how long it might take?”
3. Develop a sense of obligation: It’s important to let him know that because of his help, you are going to in some way alter what you were going to do. Viewing his help as a plus is only part of it. He needs, too, to see that the withdrawal of his offer will cause a disturbance. If he reneges and there are no repercussions, then he will see that things are no worse off for you than before he offered. In this case, you might let him know that you are canceling other appointments and moving your schedule around to accommodate him.
4. A sense of conscience: You want to relay that you are now dependent upon him for his help. Now is the time where you let him know how important his help really is. Mention any consequences that you might suffer if he doesn’t come through. In this example, it might be that your computer is necessary to get a report in and maybe you’ll get in hot water if it’s not in on time—or something to that effect.
5. Seeing is believing: Real estate agents know the power of this tactic. When showing a home they want the people to envision it as theirs. Taking it from someone else’s house to their home is a powerful visual technique. So when showing the customer around they’ll ask questions such as, “Where do you think you might put the TV?” and “Where will the sofa go”? In this example you might ask your friend, “What will you do first? Hook up the monitor or go through the booklet?” You want him to “see” himself doing what he says he will.
Master magician Harry Houdini offered a simple explanation when asked how he was able to so easily escape from a closed and locked safe. He said, “Safes are built to keep people from getting in, not to keep people from getting out.” If you want to double-check to make sure that someone’s truly committed then use this quick technique.
There is a psychological door that we keep guarded and tightly closed, but there’s always a back door that we can walk right through. This Back Door tactic is a simple and highly effective questioning technique. It works because no matter how well practiced someone is at convincing you of his sincerity, he isn’t prepared to respond to this tactic.
The key phrase is: “What would have to happen for this not to work out?” This is so effective because his entire line of thought is not on why he wouldn’t do something but on why he would. He’s used to answering questions as to why he is doing or will do what he says he will. But answering clearly what would prevent him from accomplishing his objective requires that he would first have to have true intentions of doing it. Put simply, it’s asking him to think like a person who holds a different belief. Under normal circumstances—if he was honest in his intentions—this wouldn’t be a problem, but it becomes one when an individual is not sincere.
After you ask this question the only answer you should expect is a fast “nothing” or a reasonable obstacle—something specific that is beyond his control. We all have reservations, and acknowledging them doesn’t hamper our commitment. It just makes us honest. But if you ask Jake what would prevent him from marrying his girlfriend next year and he smiles and says, “I don’t know...if things change...or something,” Jake is not committed. If you merely ask, “You will marry Jane, right?” then he’ll respond with a convincing yes, and give you all the reasons why he loves her. Because this is the question that he’s been ge
tting consistently and he can answer it easily and believably. The reverse, however, is not what he’s expecting or is prepared for.
Strategy Review
• When you initially ask for the favor, hit as many of these five points as you can: (a) Get him to say it; (b) get a specific time frame; (c) develop a sense of obligation; (d) engage his conscience; and (e) have him tell you how things will unfold.
• Then end the conversation with a firm verbal confirmation and a simple phrase such as, “So I’ll see you next Saturday, right?”
• Finally, as the day approaches let him know that you appreciate that he’s someone who really follows through and/or that you are glad that he knows the true value of friendship/responsibility/loyalty—whichever best applies.
16
How to Get a Stubborn Person to Change His Mind About Anything
Fewer things can be more frustrating than trying to pry open the mind of a closed-minded person. But by following a precise set of psychological tactics you can get anyone to listen to what you have to say objectively and fairly. More than this, this strategy paves the way for getting someone to change his mind without a wall of resistance.
When you’re dealing with a closed-minded person there are four possible factors for this attitude:
1. This person usually says no to everything, no matter what the idea is. If it’s new, it’s frightening and he doesn’t like that. His motto is “change is bad.”
2. This person has a problem with some people—in this case you. You find that no matter how persuasive, no matter how much your idea makes sense, if he hears it from you, he wants no part of it.
3. This person just came off another, though unrelated, situation, where he felt taken advantage of and manipulated, and the wounds are still fresh. Anything that further deviates from his usual thinking is not well received. He’s not feeling good about his ability to make decisions and will retreat to safe ground to avoid being swayed.
4. This person has a situational aversion. This means that it’s got nothing to do with you but “the whole idea” of whatever it is just doesn’t sit well with him—meaning that “it’s just not him.” Your idea is inconsistent with his self-concept—how he sees himself.
If you’ve ever faced any people like this, you know that arguing with them will get you absolutely nowhere. The stronger your argument becomes, the greater their rejection of it. Logic goes out the window and nothing you say or do will make a difference. Unless, of course, you say or do the right thing.
If you believe that someone’s resistance is due to either A, B, or C, then you’ll simply use a two-phase process to get him to reevaluate his thinking about any belief, value idea, person, place, or thing.
Phase I: Various studies show that if prior to asking a favor, you can get a person to make a statement that is consistent with granting your request, you’re likely to get a change of attitude and then her compliance. What you want to do is have her agree to an idea or a way of thinking that will later neutralize her own objection.
No matter what this person’s attitude, you can adjust her thinking radically and quickly with just this one tactic. For instance, let’s say that you want your boss to hear you out on a new idea. Simply say, “Don’t you think that closed-mindedness is such an undesirable trait?” Then after a short time when you bring up the subject, you’ll find her unusually cooperative and open to your suggestions. Because once your boss readily agrees with this statement she’s unconsciously driven to act in a consistent manner.
This tactic is so highly effective because human beings have a strong need to be congruous with their attitudes, beliefs, and actions. For if someone thinks one way and does something else he’s thought of as confused and nutty. And we perceive ourselves in the same way. Once we commit publicly to a stance, our attitude will conform to it and then influence our subsequent actions. As we’ll see below, depending upon the situation, you can ask more specific questions to create greater internal consistency in a person.
Phase II: Restrict, in some way, or some part, his ability to do what he doesn’t want to do. That’s right. When someone is stubborn it’s because he knows that he can do something but chooses not to. By thwarting his ability to do it the equation is now thrown off because he no longer sees the decision as his. And if you can’t do something, then you have no reason to be stubborn about it. As a matter of fact, it increases the desire to do it! This instantly melts the wall of obstinacy. It’s like telling someone who doesn’t like to travel that she can never leave her town. Suddenly, with her freedom restricted, the ego goes into overdrive and creates an unconscious desire to be able to leave. Then once the desire to be able to leave kicks in, it’s followed with the desire to leave because of cognitive dissonance. The thinking is, “I want to be able to leave because I must want to leave.” The mind then begins to race for ways to do what it feels it must want to do.
This restriction can take any form. Why do you think coupons have expiration dates and sales are for a “limited time” only? If the option is always open to us, our impetus to act is not so strong. But once something becomes restricted—whether or not we really wanted it in the first place—we become more interested in it. Does prohibition ring any bells?
But here’s the key: The restriction must be something that is overcome when the person comes up with the solution.
Now let’s follow through with the previous example from Phase I. Let’s say that the idea you want to put forth to your boss is that the office should have a company-sponsored picnic at the park next Friday. You think that your boss may be against that idea so you begin by laying the groundwork in Phase I with a general question, such as “Don’t you think that closed-mindedness is an undesirable trait?” or “Don’t you just hate it when someone won’t hear you out on something?” Then follow up with a more specific statement such as, “How important do you think company morale is to an office environment?” These are obviously two loaded questions that once agreed with and expanded upon will produce an internal need for congruence.
Then you simply complete the tactic with Phase II, where you might say something like, “I’m sure that most people would love to go on a picnic, but I don’t think that we could (a) get a park permit in time, or (b) decide on what sports to play so everybody’s happy, or (c) get anyone to cover the phones.” And that’s all you have to do.
Now look what you’ve managed to accomplish. You had a closed-minded person who heard you out on your idea, agreed that it makes sense, and then proceeded to figure out how the suggestion could best be implemented.
This, done in conjunction with the following six power tips, will give you the opportunity to create a change of heart in even the most closed-minded person. These tips can be used as part of your two-phase strategy, though it’s not necessary to employ them all.
Six Power Tips
1. When a person becomes adamant about his position, change the one thing that you can—his physiology. A person’s emotional state is directly related to his physical state. If he gets locked into a position of denial or refusal, get him to move his body. This prevents what is called mind-lock and makes it easier for him to change his psychological position. If he’s sitting down, have him get up and walk around the room. If he’s standing, try to get him to sit down. When our body is in a fixed position, our mind can become similarly frozen. Numerous studies overwhelmingly concur that there is no easier way to snap anyone out of a mode of thinking than to get him to move his body.
The power of physiology on our emotions is startling. You can try this on yourself. Sit hunched over, legs drawn in; frown and put your head down. Stay that way for a few minutes. Now how do you feel? Chances are you feel pretty lousy. But now move around and wave your arms and shake and move your body. Notice how your entire emotional state changes. By bending and moving our bodies, our minds too become more flexible toward other ideas and ways of thinking. Have you ever given any thought to the belief that older people seem mo
re set in their ways than do younger folks? Could it have something to do with the fact that as we age our bodies become less agile and flexible?
2. Give additional information before you ask someone to again reconsider. Nobody wants to be thought of as “wishy-washy,” meaning that if he changes his mind without any new information he may be perceived, and think of himself, as inconsistent. Rather, before asking him to agree, each time offer some other bit of relevant data or remind him of something he may have forgotten about. In this way he can make a new decision based upon additional information instead of simply changing his mind.
3. Studies show us that when our self-awareness is heightened we are more easily influenced. This suggests that when we can see ourselves—literally—in a reflection, we are more persuadable. Having a conversation by a mirrored wall or reflective panel will increase the chance for compliance.
4. Reciprocal persuasion: Cialdini, Green, and Rusch (1992) found that if someone had previously persuaded you to change your mind, he would be more inclined to reciprocate by changing his attitudes about something when you ask. Similarly, if you had resisted his appeal and not changed your mind, he would often “reciprocate” by refusing to change his own mind. You can use this very easily to your advantage by saying, “I thought about what you said regarding [any previous conversation where he was explaining his point of view] and I’ve come to agree with your thinking. You’re right.”