Never Get Angry Again Read online

  THE STORY WE SELL OURSELVES

  When someone close to us—our spouse, for example—does something we don’t like, the behavior itself is one thing, but that is not what drives our anger. Rather, it is the belief that our spouse’s behavior means that he or she doesn’t love us enough, really care about us enough, or have enough respect for us. Let’s parse out the what from the why to see how our ego so easily leads us astray. If you got upset with your spouse, who then apologized profusely, asked for forgiveness, and then did everything that he could to make it up to you, would you have a harder time maintaining the anger? Understandably, you would still object to the behavior, but should your spouse take full responsibility and convey that his failings are not due to a lack of love or appreciation for you, anger is harder to sustain. The reality has not changed, but the meaning that you assigned to the behavior has, and that changes how you feel about the behavior. Certainly, we can see how this may apply to minor lapses or offenses, but I suspect we can conjure up a scenario or two that might have us fuming mad at the situation itself—ego or no ego. In Part IV, we will explore more deeply how to uproot anger even in the case of a highly significant event or severe breach of trust.

  But, still on this subject, let’s assume that our spouse does not have respect for us. Fine. Again, we ask ourselves a single question: What does this mean? It may mean that our spouse lacks self-esteem and thus cannot effectively give and receive love and respect. It may mean that we have to look in the mirror at our own conduct and ask ourselves, Have I been kind and loving to my spouse? Has my behavior played a role in his attitude toward me? Whatever conclusion we draw, the one that is never accurate is the ego-based: I deserve this because there is something wrong with me. Our conduct may have been wrong, but this does not mean that we are bad and undeserving of love and happiness. If we believe this to be true at a conscious level, then we live out our lives in victim mode, for this is the treatment that we deserve. If we harbor this belief unconsciously then we become enraged at every perceived or genuine lack of respect. Moreover, we will be looking for signs that we are not worthy of love and respect. If we don’t find them, we will convince ourselves that we have, by reading into things and jumping to conclusions. This is, in fact, at the core of jealous thinking: I am not worthy of you, so you must not be faithful to me. If this is my belief, then I become hypertuned-in to anything that will fortify my position, and I will “see” what I need to in order to prove myself right. I will connect dots to complete the narrative so that it tells my story.

  ANGER: THE FINE PRINT

  The intricacies of anger are often simplified to the point of being incomplete. To say that we become angry because we are scared or in pain is like saying that a lamp works because the light switch is flipped on—true enough, but the underlying connection, electricity, is left out of the equation. Pain in and of itself does not lead to anger. Neither does fear. Mountain climbing and crossword puzzles can be grueling and excruciating. A roller coaster or horror movie can be terrifying. And yet, these can also be exhilarating and enjoyable. However, an eighteen-wheeler veering into your lane, your small child running into the street, a careless person banging into you at work, or your boss yelling at you may very well provoke anger. What is the difference in these scenarios?: control.

  What activates anger is an emotional or physical pain that we cannot control. Fear comes into play because fear itself is emotionally painful, with fear of the unknown—which carries a complete lack of control—having the potential to bring the greatest pain. Opposite sides of the same coin: unpredictable or uncontrollable pain brings fear, and fear that we cannot predict or control is painful. Since it is the ego that seeks control, even emotional pain in proper context (widened, ego-free perspective) is diluted. A close friend receives tragic news and makes a scene in a public place, but feelings of embarrassment take a backseat to empathy over their sorrow. A loved one lashes out at us in anger because we caused him hurt, but rather than feel rejected, we feel for him and seek to allay his fears.

  THE SHAME GAME

  Human beings experience two primary emotions: love (which is soul-based) and fear (which is ego-based). All positive emotions stem from love, and all negative emotions stem from fear; the fear of isolation, because we are unfit to be loved. Which brings us to shame. Shame is our conscience, the voice of the soul that says I am less because of my actions; it is the painful belief that our behavior makes us unworthy of love and undeserving of acceptance—and by extension, all that we love is neither safe nor secure. This pain of legitimate shame is to alert us that we have fallen below our potential. In accepting responsibility, we not only cancel the emotional debt but we receive the benefit of enhanced self-esteem; and with it, the capacity to love and to be loved as well as a host of emotional dividends including trust in our future welfare (see Chapter 11 for elaboration). However, when we are confronted by either circumstance or conscience, and deny accountability, we will to varying degrees and levels of consciousness acquire a stain of shame—because we cannot lie to our deepest selves. (Part IV shows the process to free ourselves from shame and restore our feelings of self-worth to pristine condition.)

  Therein lies the origin of anger: As the ego compensates for feelings of unresolved shame, we experience a counterfeit shame: I am less if you think I am less.1 Feeling rejected in any way (embarrassed, criticized, unwanted, mocked, and the like) is excruciatingly painful and intensely feared because it feels to us (the ego, the false self) like genuine shame. The egocentric psyche translates any rejection to mean that I am inadequate. I will not be safe and accepted because I am unworthy of love and undeserving of good. A further aberration explains misplaced shame, which is rooted in the corrupted belief that says: I am responsible for the behavior of others. In which case, we are never blameless for whatever is done to us, because we are a coconspirator—both victim and abuser. In Chapter 14 we explain that because children are egocentric by nature, it is normal for them to ascribe a failure within themselves as the reason behind the behavior of others. Therefore, if we, as children, grew up believing that we were never good enough to merit our parent’s love and approval, or we are mistreated, held to unrealistic expectations, or forced to assume responsibilities that weren’t ours, shame—the feeling that we have failed, fallen below our potential, is imprinted. We all transition to adulthood having absorbed some shame (which is why we feel ashamed for inherent flaws and faults, which we neither caused nor contributed to—and of course, that we all have); and the more damaging the childhood, the greater the ego and accompanying shame.

  The ego is on the lookout for any situation that calls into question our worth, fearful that we are not lovable and may be rejected. Hence, the opposite of control—feeling vulnerable or even being stared at, let alone being disrespected or ridiculed, can send the egocentric psyche into overdrive. It becomes clear then why relationships, particularly with those closest to us, can result in unrelenting anger—it sets off so many emotional triggers. Take a simple scenario: a child does not listen to a parent.

  •  Guilt (Maybe I’ve done a poor job parenting.)

  •  Disrespect (How dare he not listen to me!)

  •  Rejection (He doesn’t love me.)

  •  Embarrassment (If others are around, what do they think of me?)

  •  Fear (What’s going to become of him? What will become of our relationship?)

  •  Injustice (After all I’ve done for him.)

  Whenever there is a threat to our emotional (or physical) selves, the lower our self-esteem, in general—and how much the uncomfortable truth hits a raw nerve and affects our self-image, in particular—the more fearful we become of feeling that pain; as a result, our need to exert control surges. Authentic control is actuated when we rise above our nature and exercise self-control, thus rendering the fear/pain mechanism inert. Anger is the illusion of control because physiologically, the release of the neurotransmitter noradrenaline and the hor
mone adrenaline increases awareness, energy, and strength. Emotionally, anger redirects our attention away from the fear/pain, which also mimics the sensation that we have seized control. The reality, of course, is that we spiral out of control and become weaker with each intense, anger-driven thought or action. Our personality will dictate how our anger manifests (explained further in Chapter 21) and mirrors the fight-or-flight response to a physical threat.

  •  Assertive aggressive (fight): We come out fighting attempting to control the situation overtly.

  •  Passive aggressive (flight): Anger leaks out in more subtle ways. Unable to confront directly, we seek control stealthily.

  •  Surrender or Suppression (flight): We are unable to consciously acknowledge our anger, so we control it by either (a) telling ourselves that we are not worthy of asserting ourselves or (b) suppressing our emotions and telling ourselves that we are not angered to begin with.

  •  Immobilization (freeze): Feeling powerless, we close down to insulate ourselves from the pain. I can avoid. I can shut out the world. I will be safe. I will be in control.

  The fight-or-flight response is a physiological reaction to a perceived threat, and is triggered whether the danger is real or imagined. For example, whether we see a bear in the woods or believe that we see one, the response is the same: The sympathetic nervous system activates the adrenal gland, which releases adrenaline, noradrenaline, and cortisol into the bloodstream and reroutes the threat from the prefrontal cortex (the thinking brain) to the amygdala (the fear and anxiety response center). The moment, however, that we realize that there is no bear, the response disengages—because the danger no longer exists. Likewise, becoming aware that we are not experiencing shame, but its counterfeit, neutralizes the threat. We have nothing to fear and no need to exert control because the pain is not real. We are not in danger. We are already safe.2

  PART II

  THE COST OF LIVING, THE PRICE OF ESCAPING

  5

  Why Smart People Do Dumb Things

  A man known in medical literature as Elliot became a famous figure in brain research when he suffered damage to the frontal lobes of his brain as the result of a tumor. Although he enjoyed a superior IQ, he would become lost in triviality and foolish pursuits. After giving Elliot a battery of tests, his physician, leading scientist Dr. Antonio Damasio, realized that the man was incapable of emotional expression. Although intellectually he could weigh the pros and cons of any decision, when it came time to actually decide, he was completely lost. Damasio states, “His decision-making landscape was hopelessly flat.”1 In his book Descartes’ Error, Damasio describes trying to set up an appointment with Elliot:

  I suggested two alternative dates, both in the coming month and just a few days apart from each other. The patient pulled out his appointment book and began consulting the calendar. The behavior that ensued, which was witnessed by several investigators, was remarkable. For the better part of a half hour, the patient enumerated reasons for and against each of the two dates: previous engagements, proximity to other engagements, possible meteorological conditions, virtually anything that one could think about concerning a simple date. [He was] walking us through a tiresome cost-benefit analysis, an endless outlining and fruitless comparison of options and possible consequences. It took enormous discipline to listen to all of this without pounding on the table and telling him to stop.2

  Indeed, it did stop. All it took was for Damasio to interrupt the man’s deliberations and assign him a date and a time to return. Without hesitating, the patient said, “That’s fine,” and went on his way.

  VULCANS NEED NOT APPLY

  When we have no drive to mobilize our passion, nothing reinforces the intellectual process that moves us in one direction or the other. This is one primary function that emotions serve: to energize our behavior and motivate us to take action. We need emotions, but when we lead with our feelings, our intellect then fortifies a distorted conclusion. To choose wisely, we must first see clearly through the lens of the intellect and afterward align our emotions—preferably, positive ones. A person is always better off identifying with the love of the virtue for which he is fighting than acting out of anger, which is always ego-based. Meaning that focusing on our passion for what is right, rather than on our disdain for what is wrong, will help us to see more clearly and to act more responsibly because we are not blinded by outrage. This is not a pacifist approach but one that allows for an optimum response. No one ever walked away from an argument and thought, I wish I had gotten angrier, I would have been able to handle myself so much better.

  Later in the chapter, we will see how anger robs us of our intelligence—the faculty to process reality—but first we will see how it distorts our ability to see clearly. Wisdom is a function of both intellectual and emotional clarity. To the degree that our ego is engaged, we unconsciously distort (or consciously ignore) reality and gravitate toward the less-responsible choice. Therefore, in any given situation, it’s quite possible for a smart person to make an astonishingly poor decision while his less-intelligent counterpart will make the wiser, more prudent choice.

  Self-esteem and emotional health (aka wisdom, which is synonymous with an expanded perspective) go hand in hand. Intelligence, however, is largely unrelated to either self-esteem or emotional well-being. An overweight diabetic with low self-esteem knows she shouldn’t eat chocolate cake for dinner, but she eats it anyway. Her low self-esteem is directing the choice she makes. In that moment, she’s more interested in the chocolate cake than in her physical health. The hallmark of emotional maturity is the ability to delay gratification—to bear some pain now (or to give up a lower-level pleasure) in exchange for a greater pleasure later (or to avoid a small pain from becoming a bigger pain).

  Intelligence does not make a person rational. Intelligence can only put us in the driver’s seat with a map in hand. Wisdom opens our eyes to see what we wish would not exist; to accept with grace; and to respond with clarity and confidence.

  SELF-ESTEEM AND DELAYING GRATIFICATION

  Self-esteem stimulates the desire to invest in ourselves and provides the energy for self-discipline. When our self-esteem is low, our interest and attention shift from long-term to immediate gratification—if it feels good, do it, regardless of the consequences. The most appealing choice will be the one that satisfies our immediate urges. We resemble the child who would rather have one lollipop now than five lollipops tomorrow. Five lollipops, of course, is the better bargain, but the child doesn’t think about that. His focus is short-term, shallow, and narrow. He is occupied with the here and now, often forsaking his long-term self-interest—let alone the bigger picture or, even more so, the needs of others.

  It is significant to note the landmark experiment dubbed “the marshmallow test,” which looked into the ability of children to delay gratification, and the resulting long-term correlation and consequences. Conducted at Stanford University, researchers gave a marshmallow to each child participating in the experiment with the following offer: Either eat this one marshmallow right away, or wait a short while and receive an additional marshmallow. The researcher then left the room, and the child was alone with a marshmallow in front of him. In follow-ups a decade later, the children who delayed their gratification were more successful both academically and socially.3 Analysis concluded that they reported fewer pathological symptoms (including obsessive-compulsive patterns, depression, anxiety, hostile anger, phobic anxiety, paranoid ideation, and psychoticism) and exhibited higher self-acceptance and self-esteem.

  ANGRY PEOPLE BEHAVE STUPIDLY

  Research finds self-regulation failure is central to nearly all the personal and social problems that currently plague the modern, developed world. These problems include drug addiction and abuse, alcoholism, smoking, crime and violence, underachievement in schools, gambling, personal debt and credit card abuse, lack of financial savings, anger, and hostility.4

  Among the most important triggers of sel
f-regulation failure (in plain English, what makes us lose self-control and give in to our impulses) is anger.5 The following excerpt from a benchmark research paper summarizes the unsurprising range of self-destructive behaviors that anger spawns.6

  When people become upset they sometimes act aggressively,7 spend too much money,8 engage in risky behavior,9 comfort with alcohol, drugs or food, and fail to pursue important life goals.10 Anger is related to relapse for a number of addictive behaviors, such as alcoholism, gambling and drug addiction;11 and increased eating by chronic dieters12 and greater smoking intensity by smokers.13

  Anger releases a stress hormone called cortisol. Long-term elevated cortisol levels have a detrimental effect on us, both physically and mentally. Specifically, cortisol damages cells in the hippocampus and results in impaired learning. In the short term, cortisol interferes with our ability to think and process information. Or, to put it another way, getting angry actually makes us dumb. Biochemically, anger, as we know, initiates the fight-or-flight response and the production of adrenaline, which reroutes blood flow away from the brain, and with it oxygen, which further muddles our thinking.